예술융합교육 전문기관 영어연극예술교육연구소 제공
Snow White and the 7 Aliens
written by Judith Dixo
Scene 1 – In the palace on Zotril
Narrator once upon a time there was a beautiful princess. She was greatly loved across the whole kingdom. Unfortunately, when her father died she was left in the care of her stepmother who was OK, but well…she was also very beautiful and as queen she figured it was her God given right that she should be the fairest in the land. They lived in a wonderful palace a long long way from Harrington. In fact the palace was on the other side of the galaxy on the planet of Zotril (I know, I know, it sounds like a tube of toothpaste, but as it happens the most popular brand of toothpaste on Zotril is actually called Harrington. It’s a strange world, well, worlds actually). Anyway, let’s go there now to meet the queen… Oh, I almost forgot to mention, as well as being a queen, she is also a witch!
Queen (Sitting at her mirror while her goblin puts an extraordinary head dress on her.) Ah yes, this new style really suits me. Gives me height to make me seem more imposing.
Goulash Yes Your Majesty, you seem even more terrifying than usual.
Queen That’s right Goulash, I love the look of fear in the people’s eyes on a walk about. Every time I shake someone’s hand I do a spell and they never know what they might be turned into.
Goulash Last week it was 3 toads, 6 worms and a stoat if I remember correctly.
Queen (laughing) Oh yes and don’t forget the duck. It looked so funny as it waddled away quacking!
Goulash That was Jones, the baker, you turned his wife into a vicar the week before.
Queen Yes, perhaps that was going a bit far!
Goulash And you turned that nice woman in the shop into an estate agent…
Queen Ok. Ok. Anyway, its time for this week’s walkabout in 5 minutes. We’ll have to get going. (Doing her lipstick)Well that is perfect, I look truly stunning. My beauty alone will leave them speechless! Come on Goulash, show time!
Exit Queen and Goulash and enter Snow White and Flash from the other side.
Narrator Now here comes our hero, Flash Gordon, saviour of the Universe! We must make him feel special. So I want you to help me – every time we see him we’ll all sing “Flash, aa-aah, Saviour of the Universe!” Lets practise: “Flash aa-aah, saviour of the universe!” Good – now look he’s coming…
As Flash enters he comes to the front of the stage to receive his recognition.
Audience Flash aa-aah, saviour of the universe!
Narrator And he’s got Snow White with him.
Snow White She’s gone, we’ll be safe here!
Flash She’s gone on one of her walkabouts. She’ll be out for hours and the community will be in shatters afterwards with everybody in their gardens trying to work out if the worm they are holding is in fact great uncle Bert. She is so evil!
Snow White I know, but it’s just that she is so obsessed by beauty. She is afraid that if there were anyone as beautiful as her that they would challenge her supremacy.
Flash But that’s just it, you are more beautiful than she is and one day she will discover this. I’m scared of what she might do to you, my dear Snow White.
Snow White Oh Flash, you’re exaggerating!
Flash I don’t think so. We must carry out our plan to elope as soon as possible.
Snow White Elope! How romantic. I’d love to elope with you my love and we can live happily ever after on some little quiet planet somewhere. I’ve heard the planet Earth is quite nice, although the place names do sound a bit like toothpaste!
Flash Well, I’ll go and make the arrangements straight away. Meet me in the woods at
Snow White Oh yes Flash, I’ll go to the ends of the Universe with you!
They exit as the other 2 return
Narrator Oh dear, here comes the Queen again, what a bore. You can boo her later on if you like, but perhaps for now we’d better give her three cheers. Royalty like that kind of thing. Makes them feel important, makes them feel like they are doing something useful, and we’ve got to keep her happy or Flash and Snow White will never get away with it. So here goes… Hip Hip…
Queen A success! A triumph! I wowed them out there!
Goulash It was great, Your Majesty. I heard several people admire your new clothes.
Queen The Lord Mayor even commented at how young looking I am. No grey hairs at all yet!
Goulash And hardly any wrinkles!
Queen Careful Goulash!
Goulash Oh er sorry, no wrinkles at all!
Queen Anyway, I still just want to be sure, lets hear what the mirror has to say: Mirror, mirror, you are wise
You see and yet you have no eyes
Some have eyes who cannot see
But you can pick out true beauty
O Mirror, mirror on the wall
Who is the fairest of them all?
Mirror O Queen, as always you are fair
Your face will always make men stare
But there is one in your household
Who’s youthful shape makes you look old
You ask me so I tell you right
The fairest of them all? Snow White!
Queen Oh this is nonsense, she’s a girl
She knows nothing of the world
Her dimples and her smiles are childish
Her clothes are never ever stylish!
Things would have gone the other way
If only she’d been called ‘slush grey’.
Mirror That may be true but she is fair
And next to her you don’t compare
Her figure and her face are sweet
To look on her is quite a treat!
Queen Oh these couplets are so boring. My anger and my vengeance soaring, I can’t stop rhyming, its that mirror, it really is a holy terror!
Goulash(looking at a picture of Snow White) I’ve never noticed before, but the mirror is right, she is a real looker!
Queen That’s it! Snow White must die! I’ll do everything in my power to destroy the little strumpet!
Narrator and Goulash sing “Killer Queen”
Scene 2 – In another palace, on Klart
Narrator Meanwhile, far away across the galaxy, in another palace, remarkably similar to the first one, a wedding is about to take place. A wedding of a somewhat political nature. The two planets of Klart and Slobber have been at war for generations and a truce has been called while the Emperor Ming of Klart marries Princess Slobber – perhaps this will bring a cessation of violence forever.
Ming’s Mum Now Ming dear there’s no point in arguing. The matter is all decided. The only way to prove to the Sloberians that we are no longer a threat to their security is for you to marry the Princess.
Ming But mother, I haven’t even seen her. How can I promise to marry some girl I’ve never met. She might be hideous!
Mum Well it’s of no consequence, they’re on their way right now. The wedding is today and I’ll be signing a peace treaty as you sign the marriage register. As we speak thousands of troops are returning to their families. So stop moaning and start preparing for the joys of wedlock!
Ming Wedlock, that word sends shivers down my spine! Oh Druffle, old pal, what shall I do?
Druffle It’ll be alright, she’s a princess, she’s bound to be beautiful.
Ming They’re not all beautiful, Fiona was an ogre!
Druffle OK, but that was the exception! These arranged marriages always work out fine – you’ll learn to love her!
Ming Do you really think so?
Druffle Oh stop fussing. How bad can she be? I think I hear something, that’ll be them now.
Mother on your best behaviour now Ming.
The Wedding March plays as the Slobber family enter. The princess wears a veil.
Ming We are delighted to welcome you to the
King We have waged war with your kingdom for 4 generations. I hope we can trust you to respect the terms of our peace treaty.
Ming Of course. We are removing all our troops from the borders and we promise not to capture any more cities as long as you release the Klartian prisoners.
King Good. The business is over. We have come here to celebrate.
Ming Yes, I look forward to meeting the beautiful lady who is to be my bride. Is she coming along later?
Mum (Whispers to Ming)You idiot! That’s her with the veil?
Ming (gasps) Oh madam, forgive me, I-I thought you looked too young for matrimony!
Druffle (Whispers to Ming)Nice recovery!
Ming (Whispers to Druffle) Druffle, she – she’s enormous!
Druffle (Whispers to Ming) Don’t panic, most super models are very tall!
Ming (Whispers to Druffle) You’re right – a super-model, huh! Now you’re talking!
Druffle She’ll be like a god.
Ming Yes, yes, like Venus the goddess of love!
Druffle (aside) I was thinking more of Buddha.
Vicar Will the couple step forward? There now – we are gathered together … and you have a ring… so that’s it, I now pronounce you husband and wife!
Ming Is that all? (aside) I don’t think much of vicars these days.
Vicar Oh yes a very simple service. Simple, but elegant, I think you’ll agree. Well then young man, you may kiss the bride!
Princess removes veil.
Ming Aaaargh! (He staggers back in horror as the princess puckers up) Mother what have you done? It’s a monster! It’s revolting.
King How dare you! Tear up that treaty – let the war continue. You have insulted my daughter, you have insulted me, you have insulted the whole Sloberian empire! (To the princess)Farewell my child!
The Sloberians depart leaving the Princess.
Ming Right, yeah, sorry about that. Anyway, bye there, have a good trip…(sees princess) Aaaah. Wait. You’ve forgotten something. Come back, you’ve left your luggage behind. Aren’t you taking it with you? What do you want me to do with it?
Mum Oh Ming, what a disaster. You ruined the whole thing and you’ve hurt the poor girl’s feelings. I’ve got a good mind to stop your pocket money!
Ming Mum!
Mum Come here my dear, just ignore the nasty husband!
Princess I had my hair done especially for the day, I guess he doesn’t like my hair!
Ming Your hair is fine dear, you just need more of it to cover up your face! And maybe less of it on your chest!
Princess (wailing) O you cruel man, you are totally without mercy.
The ladies leave
Ming That’s it Druffle. This fiasco has broken the last remnants of kindness left in me. From now on I shall be known as Ming the Merciless and I shall crush the Sloberians before taking over as ruler of the whole Universe – Ha Ha Ha Ha!
Scene 3 – the town of Klart
Narrator The people of Klart suffered as Ming the Merciless mobilised his men again after only one day’s leave.
Enter Ming’s Merciless Militia (scouts) singing
Sergeant Major Right you lot, it’s time to fight for your country. Every able bodied man is ordered to pack up and join up.
Daddy But we only came home yesterday!
Mummy I thought the war was over.
Militia Well it’s started again so let’s go.
Child 1 Daddy why are you going to fight the Sloberians now?
Daddy O my sweet child. Ours is not to reason why – we must trust our noble rulers.
Child 2 I thought Emperor Ming was going to marry the Princess of Slobber and live happily ever after.
Daddy Well, for some reason that scheme doesn’t seem to have worked.
Child 3 Is it true that Princess Slobber is so ugly that Emperor Ming was physically sick?
Mummy Well now Darlings, no more gossip, Daddy has to go. Farewell my husband – come home to us soon.
Militia exit with daddy and Children sing
Narrator A tattered society. Almost no men to do the heavy work, but, as in every war, there was a home guard. It was a collection of men, brave and dependable, strong and intelligent. You remember Dad’s army! The community relied on them for protection and comfort. There are seven of them, and once upon a time they would have been called the seven dwarfs, but in this sensitive age, the politically correct title for the show, Snow White and the seven people of diminutive stature, just didn’t sound right, and besides where were we going to find 7 short people in Harrington?
7 aliens enter at a march
Bossy Hup, 2, 3, 4, Keep it up, 2, 3, 4
Misery Oh for goodness sake Bossy, we’ve been marching round and round this town all day. The war is 300 light years away, why can’t we stop?
Snoozy finds a comfy corner and sits down
Snoozy I’ll just catch forty winks while you guys argue.
Dull Actually it’s 280 light years and I calculated that the possibility of the Sloberian army attacking this town within the next month, as outweighed by the chances of the complete planet’s destruction, was on average 3 to 1 against, with a probability factor of 63 over 29.85 so…
Shy I’m sorry to interrupt Mr Dull, but perhaps there is something more useful we could be doing to help the local community.
Frenchy Oui, Oui, we need to service ze lonely ladies in zis town. It is to zem we should be marching! Isn’t zat what you mean Shy.
Giggles hee, hee, hee! That’s what Shy meant alright, he’s never spoken to a female in his life.
Shy I have.
Giggles I didn’t mean your mum!!! Ha ha ha.
Shy Actually, I was married once.
Giggles What happened? How did it end?
Shy Death separated us.
Misery Death? Who died?
Shy She did of course!
Bossy Well, you think you know a guy…Anyway, what are we standing around here for?
Misery We’re having a rest!
Frenchy I’m quite ze chef you know, if we’re ‘aving ze rest maybe I cook us something to eat. Would you like Roast Beef or Pea Soup?
Giggles Soup for me please. After all anybody can Roast Beef, but only Frenchy can pea soup. Hehehe.
Bossy Oi you lot, you need a rest eh? Getting hungry? Your poor legs are getting tired? Well, I’m in charge here so until my orders change, I’ve got to keep you lot fit. You snivelling, worthless (he strides up and down as though they are on parade) hey, where’s Snoozy?
Snoozy Huh? What? Oh coming. ( He slowly takes his place – still yawning)
Giggles Come on Snoozy, we’re being disciplined, tee hee, Bossy is telling us that we’re useless again.
Misery Och he just likes the sound of his own voice. It’s not as though any of us listen.
Dull Of course the statistics tell us that obedience in a regiment is the single most important factor in the survival of the soldiers.
Giggles That’s assuming your officer has a clue about what he’s supposed to be doing! Hee hee, ha, ha!
Bossy Right, that’s enough. Repeat after me while jogging on the spot… We are here to save our Klart
Just in case the Slobbers start
Far away there is a war
But we can’t go there that’s for sure
I’m too old, and he’s too mad
Snoozy’s caring for his dad
Giggles drove the army nuts
Laughing fit to split his guts
Frenchy is a pacifist
He’s too scared to use his fist
Dull is last, he knows his stuff
But he’s so boring they had enough.
Scene 4 - palace on Zotril
Queen Have you seen that girl?
Goulash Who? Snow White? She’s singing sweetly in the garden, a lovely sight, I’ve been watching her for the past hour, I’m totally besotted.
Queen You traitor! You won’t think she’s so pretty when I have her heart cut out and brought to me in a jar!
Goulash A jar… oh of course, you’re jealous so you’re going to kill her.
Queen Jealous? Jealous? She’s an evil manipulating witch – she is not pretty, she has just put a spell on you. You fool – she’s really taken you in.
Goulash Snow White is a witch? Sorry I thought you were the witch. Turning people into animals and clergy and all.
Queen Nonsense you silly man. Anyway, if I didn’t have uses for you, you’d be a cockroach by now and don’t you forget it! Or an estate agent!
My most trusted soldier is on his way to receive my orders.
Enter soldier
Queen Ah, Sergeant Soft, I was waiting for you.
Soft Ma’am, I await your orders.
Queen You are familiar with the evil witch who lives in my household?
Soft I only live to serve you Ma’am.
Queen Not me, you idiot, Snow White!
Soft Snow White is an evil witch? Never!
Queen Do you defy me? Would you prefer to be a toad or a worm?
Soft Sorry Ma’am! I forgot myself, Snow White is certainly a most terrible sorceress. (He looks at Goulash and shrugs as if the Queen is mad.)
Queen Your task is to destroy Snow White and bring me her heart in a jar by
Soft Destroy Snow White? But perhaps prison would be more appropriate, or even better, maybe she could just come and live with me in my house. I’d look after her and make sure she didn’t...
Queen Abracadabra…(She is about to put a spell on him.)
Soft OK, OK! I’ll do it. Snow White’s heart in a jar by
Queen Just get on with it will you. I need that Snow White dead!
Soft (To the audience) How can I kill Snow White? I love Snow White! Everybody loves Snow White!
Scene 5 – the palace at Klart
Ming has his head in his hands as his mother enters
Narrator This whole situation is a diplomatic disaster. The fighting is intense and the Slobber army are currently on top.
Mother How are you going to explain it to the people, if the Slobbers invade this planet?
Ming Oh I don’t know. But I can’t go ahead with this marriage to a monster.
Druffle Oh make an effort, what would it take to get you to kiss her?
Ming An anaesthetic!
Mother Ming, you must make this marriage work! If we can’t persuade the King of Slobber that his daughter is happy, well… you’ll have to go to the war and fight alongside your subjects!
Ming What? Me fight in a war? Mother, you can’t make me!
Mother You know I can and this new phase of the battle is your fault so the least you can do is go and lead your own troops.
Ming I may be merciless, but I’m not fearless, I can’t fight a battle. What shall I do?
Druffle You could try a bit harder with the princess.
Ming Hmm. Mother, what if the princess were to die accidentally?
Mother Well, it’s very unlikely while she’s here, but I suppose we might be forced to negotiate a new treaty if one of the main parts of the last one expired.
Mother exits busily.
Druffle What did she say?
Ming She said that if the Slobberchops dies by accident, I don’t have to go to war. I have a cunning plan! Call my special force!
Druffle Ming’s Merciless Militia! Fall in!
The MMM enter to receive orders.
Ming Ah, my regiment of revolting rascals. I have a special task for you, huddle up!
They huddle up and he whispers his plan.
Enter Princess Slobber, the MMM spread round the outside of the stage with their various weapons.
Ming Ah my dear, how lovely to see you.
Princess Lovely? You think I am lovely?
Ming Well er… yes, I’m sorry about the other day, I was er, shy. Of course, now I am more used to you I can tell you how I really feel.
Princess Oh, I understand. You poor sweet boy, shyness can be such a difficult affliction. You don’t have to worry with me though, I may be a princess, but I’m quite ordinary really.
Ming Ordinary, right, but in fact I am …over whelmed by you, you being a princess and all.
Princess Oh no. You mustn’t feel like that. I have always dreamed of what it would it would be like to have a – well, a man.
Ming You’ve never had a boy friend?
Princess No, it wouldn’t have been allowed.
Ming I guess not.
Princess I imagined that when I had a…partner, we might have pet names – like Teddy Bear…
Ming Or Chu-chi face?
Princess Oh yes, Chu-chi face! (She squeezes his cheek affectionately, but hard and he recoils in pain.)
They sing Chu-chi face as the MMM try to kill the Princess in various different ways.
Princess Ming dear, I am not sure these soldiers have my welfare in mind.
Ming They certainly don’t have mine – (aside) as she’s still here! (To the Princess) I may have to go to fight in Sloberia!
Princess Oh no! I shall write to my father tomorrow to tell him of my marital bliss. The war shall end before my dear shy husband need go and risk his life. (seductively)I’ll see you later.
Ming Oh help! I don’t know what is worse, happily ever after with Frankenstein’s monster or death and oblivion on a distant battlefield. (To the MMM)And you guys were no help! You were supposed to kill her, you idiots, but you were about as much use as a chocolate fireguard.
Scene 6– In the woods on Zotril
Narrator Here we are back on Zotril, where Snow White and Flash Gordon have a date to elope, but Sergeant Soft has other plans. I think Flash is coming, are you ready? Can you remember what to sing?
Audience Flash aa-aah, saviour of the universe!
As Flash enters he comes to the front of the stage to receive his recognition
Flash I am so excited. I have arranged passage for me and my love Snow White upon this space shuttle. We plan to elope this very night. She should be along any minute. (He whistles while he waits) Ooh, there’s no “facilities” on board and I’m bursting, just excuse me for a moment!
He exits right.
Snow white enters from the left
Snow White I’m sure this is where I’m supposed to meet Flash Gordon. I’ve brought a picnic and a good book to read on the journey. It’s amazing what you can get in Ashcroft’s- that is the one thing I’ll miss when I go to earth. There can’t be another shop called Ashcroft’s in the entire universe.
Narrator Oh yes there is.
Snow White Oh no there isn’t.
Etc.
Snow White Oh, where is Flash?
Sergeant Soft enters
Soft (To the audience) There she is, I could do it right now. I must do it right now – it’s her life or mine – The queen will turn me into something nasty if I don’t kill Snow White, and my wife will kill me if I get turned into a toad – she says I’m as lazy as a toad already! Oh my goodness, she’s so pretty, I don’t know if I can do this.(He hides behind a tree)
SW It’s a bit spooky in these woods all alone. I wonder if you could help. Would you tell me if you see anything dangerous? Just shout “Snow White take flight!”
Soft OK here goes…
He raises his arm to stab Snow White,
Audience Snow White take flight!
Soft hides behind a tree as SW looks round
He tries again
Audience Snow White take flight!
Soft hides again
He tries a third time, but this time she turns round and screams.
Soft Oh Snow White, I’m sorry, but your step mother has ordered me to kill you so please stand still and I’ll try to make it as painless as possible.
He closes his eyes and stabs, but she has backed away, so he misses and seems surprised, he opens his eyes.
Soft Where are you?
S W My step mother wants you to kill me?
Soft Yes, that’s right, on account of you being so pretty.
SW Oh no. It’s just as Flash said, she’s jealous! Oh what shall I do? (Calling) Flash! Flash Gordon, where are you?
Panicking, he gags her and ties her hands!
Soft Be quiet will you, you silly girl! To be honest I didn’t want to kill you. Actually, I, well I don’t know what to do. Your just a lovely girl – so sweet, so naïve – hey, what’s that light?
Enter Major Tom
Tom It’s only a torch. Chill out man! Who’s the bird anyway?
Soft She’s…well she’s the Princess Snow White and I have to kill her but I don’t want to. Anyway who are you?
Tom I’m Tom.
Soft Tom? Who’s Tom?
Tom You know, Major Tom, I’ve got a space shuttle and as the advert says:
“Wherever you wanna go to,
wherever you wanna go from,
Travel for one or for two,
always call me, Major Tom!”
Soft Hang on, I’ve had an idea. How about you take the Princess far away across the galaxy so she can live happily and never be found by her evil step mother.
Pulling down her gag
SW That is exactly what I had in mind. You see there’s this place called Harrington on a planet called Earth and Flash and I would quite like to settle there. It sounds quite nice there, apart from being named after toothpaste that is!
She returns her gag
Tom Fine. How are you paying? Cash or credit, only the credit card machine has been playing up so I’d really rather have cash.
Soft Paying? – but you’d be saving the life of a Princess.
Tom Oh, OK, I’ll give you a 5% discount – seems fair! That’ll be…10,000 Boggles please.
Soft Oh dear – oh well – here you are – but you are an immoral wretch!
Tom I’m immoral? You were about to kill her in cold blood!
Come on then deary, lets go. Shall we take this nasty gag off?
SW (shouting) Flash Gordon! Help!
Tom hastily regags her.
Tom on second thoughts, I think it can stay there for now. Goodness what a noise. Nothing wrong with her lungs anyway! No time to wait for other passengers. Ready for take off – Geronimo!
He straps her into the space ship and they take off. Enter Goulash
Goulash Stop! Where’s the Princess? Please tell me you haven’t killed her.
Soft No. I haven’t killed her. I’ll be a toad before morning. Or a vicar. Or an Estate Agent!
Goulash What? Oh you’re a good man. What happened?
Soft I couldn’t do it. She has escaped with Major Tom into a distant galaxy.
Goulash Tom? That hippy? He’s not an astronaut, he’s an astronut! They’ll be lucky to get to the moon. Anyway, you have done your best and I will help you to pull off this deceit against the Queen. We will catch a wild pig and present its heart to the Queen and pretend it is Snow White’s. She’ll never know the difference. I hope!
Soft Oh thank you.
They exit as Flash returns, doing up his fly
Audience Flash aa-aah saviour of the universe!
As Flash enters he comes to the front of the stage to receive his recognition
Flash Aah, That feels better. Funny I thought Snow White would have been here by now. And where has Tom gone. I arranged for him to be here to take us away from this planet, but he seems to have disappeared. Something has gone wrong. Oh my Snow White, I hope you are safe. (He runs off)
Scene 7 - In the woods on Klart
Narrator The journey was long and a bit wobbly so both Snow White and Tom suffered from travel sickness, but after many days they landed, or should I say crashed on a strange planet.
SW Hmm, Harrington does not look a bit like it did in the Intergalactic Eccentric Holidays Brochure. Where is the harbour? Where are all the churches? Where’s Mary the lollipop lady? Why is the weather so nice?
Tom Ah, well we didn’t actually make it to Harrington. Slight technical hitch. This planet is called Klart.
Tom Oh man, my space shuttle is all busted up.
SW Do you think you can fix it?
Tom Yeah, it always seems to land like that, so I’m used to mending it. In fact, this is easy compared with some of the things I have to do. Back on Zotril I occasionally have to fix the Scout minibus- now that is a challenge.
SW Have you never thought of learning how to land it more carefully?
Tom Don’t know where to begin. I was taught to drive it by the Zotril Scout leaders, as payment for fixing their van. There can’t be worse drivers than the Zotril Scout leaders anywhere in the universe. But it’s never their fault. (Puts on different voice) Yes, officer the planet did just jump out in front of me.
SW Sounds like you should take some lessons from somebody else.
Tom Could be. Anyway I’ll be on me way. You’re safe now away from that Queen. See ya.
Exit Tom
SW I may be away from the Queen, but I’m all alone on a strange planet. I have no protection, no weapons, no food, I don’t even know what the people here will look like. Oh no, I hear someone coming, I must hide. She hides behind a tree.
Enter the 7 aliens.
Bossy Left, right, left…
Frenchy (to Shy) Zen she approached me and kissed me and caressed me… I was so ‘appy, until ze alarm clock went off.
Dull It has been calculated that one’s dreams reflect around 1.00002% of one’s real experiences. In fact, I believe if you experience something regularly, then you are most unlikely to dream about it.
Giggles So, hee hee ha ha, if Dull is right, then the more Frenchy dreams of “ze ladies” the less actually meets them. Ho ho ha ha.
Frenchy Well, what chance ‘ave I got around ‘ere wiz Bossy making us charge around like donkeys all ze time.
Bossy Insubordination, as usual! This is what I expect of you disgusting, lazy oafs.
Snoozy Here we go again. ( He goes to sit down behind the same tree as Snow White) Aargh!!!! (He runs back behind the defensive ranks which have formed incredibly quickly)
Bossy What is it Corporal Snoozy?
Snoozy An alien – a Slobber!
Misery Guts Oh heck, it was only a matter of time. The whole army is gone except us and we are being invaded!.
Shy What shall we do? Oh Bossy, do you think we are surrounded? (They form a circle pointing their weapons outwards and walk slowly round.)
Bossy I don’t think so Shy.
Giggles I’ve got the giggles. It’s a nervous thing, I can’t help it.
Dull It is a common affliction among the simple minded. Would you like me to slap you? (Dull slaps him before he has a chance to answer)
Giggles No! Ow!
Bossy We need a plan.
Misery Och, for heavens sake. Lets capture the one we know about at least then we can find out from him how many there are.
Shy You mean torture him?
Misery (cheering up) Well, if necessary! Come on!
They move as one to the tree and drag Snow White out of her hiding place.
Frenchy Ugh, it’s hideous. No wonder zey call zem Slobbers!
Snow White I’m not called Slobber, I’m Snow White!
Dull It is true that she is not a Slobberian. She seems to be a strange alien from a far off Galaxy.
Misery So can we torture her then?
Snow White I am a Princess from the planet Zotril.
Giggles Sounds like a brand of toothpaste, if you ask me.
Bossy So you’re not a Slobber soldier invading while our army is away.
Snow White No, I know nothing of Slobber.
Frenchy That’s your opinion. She’s a sight isn’t she Shy.
Shy She, well, I think, oh gosh – I think you are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen.
Frenchy What? You need your head examined – look she only has two eyes – hideous!
Snow White Well my beauty is my problem – I had to flee the planet because my Step Mother the Queen wanted me dead. She was jealous because I am more beautiful than she.
Frenchy What is she like then? Shrek’s bum?
Snoozy You poor dear, when did you get here?
SW Just now – in a space shuttle. I feel tired after my journey, but I have nowhere to go.
Bossy Right! We needed a task for today! Here it is! Snoozy – go and prepare a bed for Snow White and remember she’s a princess so no peas! Giggles and Dull, prepare a meal – the girl’s starving – find out what she eats! Misery and Frenchy – to the village – buy our guest some clean clothes. Shy – you look after the girl, take her to barracks and make her feel at home.
Aliens sing “Consider Yourself”
Snow White Oh thank you, I don’t know what to say. I should feel relieved, but I don’t think I’ll ever be really happy again.
Shy Why not Princess? What’s wrong?
Snow White This should have been my wedding day. Now my Flash is light years away and he thinks I’m dead. Our love is just a memory.
Scene 8 – the woods on Zotril
Narrator Meanwhile, back on Zotril the Evil Queen was delighted with her pig’s heart and ate it with apple sauce and carrots, believing it to be Snow White’s. She gave Sergeant Soft a promotion, which he wished he could refuse.
Soft I have arranged to meet Snow White’s boyfriend, Flash Gordon. I must tell the truth. I may have destroyed his life, but at least I can reassure him that Snow White is alive.
As Flash enters he comes to the front of the stage to receive his recognition
Audience Flash aa-aah, saviour of the universe!
Flash You there! Are you the wretch who killed my Snow White? Prepare to die!
Flash grabs Soft and holds a knife to his throat.
Soft Well, yes and no.
Flash Which is it, Worm?
Soft Look, if I tell you what happened, I may well become a worm, so please calm down.
Flash Well then tell me what you know!
Soft I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t kill Snow White! (He breaks down crying)
Flash You mean she’s not dead?
Soft No, she’s not dead. Please don’t tell the Queen.
Flash Where is she? Have you got her?
Soft No, but she is safe from harm. Major Tom took her away in his space shuttle. I don’t know where.
Flash Snow White. My love, you’re alive. Somewhere out there, over the rainbow – no Judith I’m not singing that!!! I will search everywhere and never rest until I find her. Our summer love was so wonderful… OK OK I’ll sing that one…
Enter Snow White on the other side – they sing “Summer Nights”
Interval
Scene 9 – In town on Klart
Narrator The war is over again, Princess Slobber is besotted with Emperor Ming, her husband and told her daddy that all was well. So here we are celebrating and everybody is here!
All Sing and dance – then exit all but SW, 7 aliens, Ming and Druffle
Ming (To the audience) Goodness, I haven’t danced like that for years. I almost forgot my problems. I lost myself in the grace and beauty of my dancing, but then I saw my wife again. I am beginning to accept that it is my fate to remain married to the gorgon, but I can’t help thinking that I should have some consolation prize. Maybe a diplomatic post on the other side of the galaxy, far away from my family.
He sees Snow White chatting with the aliens.
Hello! Who is that? Now if I had someone like that on my staff… she is so pretty, she would be able to distract me from my troubles!!! Druffle! Is there any reason why shouldn’t have a harem?
Druffle Well, it’s not a tradition on this planet. Have you run the idea past your wife?
Ming To be honest, I’d be more worried about what my mother would say.
Druffle Yes, she may send you to your room again.
Ming Look, let’s get this clear once and for all. I wasn’t sent to my room. I went there voluntarily.
Druffle Well, whatever. But what will mummy say when she hears you have a harem?
Ming Perhaps she need never know.
Druffle Ah. Did you have anyone in mind Your Mercilessness?
Ming Well, actually, yes. I want that one.
Druffle She’s a bit odd looking. She’s not from Klart is she.
Ming You may think she’s odd. How dare you say such things about the love of my life. I think she’s beautiful. Your job is to arrange for her to be in the palace dungeon by night fall. And no excuses!
Exit Ming, Druffle hides and watches the aliens
Giggles I love parties! But you to be careful which planet you’re on – the bars on the moon have no atmosphere!
Shy Isn’t it great – the war’s over!
Misery That’s right! Do you hear Bossy, no more telling us what to do!
Frenchy Now I feel a duty to comfort all ze war widows.
‘Ave you noticed ‘ow many girls don’t want to get married zese days?
Shy How do you know?
Frenchy Because I’ve asked zem all of course!
Snoozy At last I can really relax!
Bossy You slept through the war, I can’t believe you even noticed it.
Dull There have been astonishingly few casualties in this war, largely because it takes two months to get to Slobber even at warp speed 5, so most of the time we were at war the armies were travelling and by the time they reached the front lines the cease fire had been called!
Frenchy So no war widows! Oh la la!
Snow White So you will no longer need my help.
Frenchy Zat’s right love, nice knowing you.
Shy But where will you go? What will you do?
S W Oh, I’m sure I can find some work. Thank you all for your kindness.
She wanders away sadly.
Shy Oh Bossy, can’t we do something?
Misery She’s a princess, she has no skills – she’s not even that good at cooking.
Snoozy She hasn’t washed my sheets in 3 weeks!
Giggles And she keeps breaking the china when she washes up. She’s so useless at that sort of thing, she’s practically a man!
Frenchy And her cooking, urggg!
Shy She made moussaka for us.
Frenchy Yes, with real moose!
Shy Well, there was the ratatouille!
Frenchy Made with real rat!
Shy And the goulash. Don’t tell me.
Frenchy Yep, made with real ghoul!
Giggles Glad we didn’t ask for spotted dick.
Shy Ahh well, never mind, guys, that’s not the point.
Frenchy Voila Shy, ze weirdo alien girl is useless and she’s not our responsibility!
Bossy No, Shy is right! She can’t manage on her own. We must help her. There must be something she can do!
While they’re arguing Druffle kidnaps Snow White. They see him at the last minute. They shout all together and run after them.
Misery Hey who’s that?
Bossy Come back here!
Shy Snow White!
Frenchy Qu’est ce que c’est?
Giggles You’re ‘aving a laugh!
Snoozy Hey, wait!
Dull I’m sorry, but she belongs to us!
They come back on stage
Shy He got away, with my Snow White!
Bossy Who was it, did anyone see who it was?
Snoozy He looked local.
Frenchy Why would somebody steal her?
Misery Yeah she’s useless.
Dull It was Druffle. He is the servant and confidante to the Emperor Ming.
Giggles Well, that’s that then. We’ll never see her again.
Shy But we must rescue her!
Frenchy Why?
Misery Yeah – she was looking for a job – I guess she found one!
Giggles I don’t think it’s quite what she had in mind!
Frenchy We’ll never agree about zis!
Bossy Right, lets ask the audience. (To the audience) Should we rescue her?
Audience Yes!
Misery I didn’t hear anything did you?
Giggles Look, we’re hundreds of thousands of light years away, you’re going to have to shout. Should we rescue Snow White?
Audience Yes!
Snoozy Wow! Even I heard that!
Frenchy OK, OK we’ll rescue the useless girl!
Bossy Right lads – we’ve been together for some time now – but this is our first really dangerous mission. Like her or not, she is a good girl and does not deserve to be manhandled by merciless miscreants.
Shy Oh thank you Bossy.
Snoozy Here we go again.
Bossy Come on we need to make a plan.
Scene 10 – A Palace on Zotril
As Scene 1 – the Queen prepares for a walk about.
Narrator Here we are again, the Killer Queen preparing to meet and greet her loyal subjects. She basks in confidence and has made a new law that everyone must wear sunglasses when they look at her, to protect them from the glare of her beauty! Oooh that woman has really got my goat now. I wish I hadn’t asked you to cheer her earlier on. You’d better boo her now. Go on, boo like your life depends on it.
Queen How do I look?
Goulash Looking lovely as usual Ma’am!
Queen Quite right Goulash, hey where are your sunglasses?
Goulash (sarcastically) Oh my goodness, I may go blind, so intense is your perfection.
Queen (taking him seriously) That’s right Goulash and then you would be truly cursed, as you would never be able to look on me again!
Goulash Oh woe! (To the audience) Good grief!
Queen Now just to check with the mirror, before I go out there. I get such stage fright – (she giggles) it’s silly really, but I do, I really do. I haven’t felt this nervous since I read the lesson in church.
Goulash Oh get on with it… I mean, yes Your Majesty, but the royal mirror is always a boost for you!
Queen Mirror, mirror, look on me,
There such beauty you will see.
Before I go to meet my crowd
Reassure me clear and loud.
I know I am the fairest one
So say it now then I’ll be gone.
Mirror Oh Queen, you know it once was said
“Beauty can bring a big fat head”
Your vanity makes you ugly now
And wrinkles soon will mar your brow.
There is another, prettier far,
Whose humble nature lights the stars
Tom gave her a good head start
Snow White lives, on the planet Klart.
Queen I-I-I… (She breaks the mirror)
(Over dramatically) “To be thus is nothing,
But to be safely thus. Our fears in Snow white
Stick deep; and in her royalty of nature
Reigns that which would be feared”.
Well! What are we waiting for? We leave for Klart immediately!
Scene 11 – A forest on Zotril
Narrator You may remember dear old Flash Gordon. Well he and his new friend Sergeant Soft, searched for days to find the only person who could lead him to Snow White.
Enter Flash with Sergeant Soft
As Flash enters he comes to the front of the stage to receive his recognition
Audience Flash aa-aah, saviour of the universe!
Tom is asleep lying against his space ship.
Flash Look Soft, we’ve been searching for this guy for ages. He could be anywhere. Who says he’s even on this planet?
Soft We have no choice. We must find Snow White, me to ease my conscience and you, well because you have to marry her!
Flash You’re right, of course. There’s someone over there, could that be Major Tom?
Soft It’s him. That’s definitely the guy I told you about.
Flash Hey you. Hey wake up.
Tom What is it man? Why’d you wake me?
Soft Tom. Major Tom. You remember me, I got you to rescue that princess.
Tom (obviously remembers) Oh no, I don’t remember anything about the princess who was pursued by the evil, but beautiful queen.
Flash Oh well, sorry to have bothered you.
Soft No it’s OK, you are safe, the Queen is not here. This is Flash Gordon, Snow White’s boyfriend.
Tom Oh that’s alright then. I thought you said I should always deny my involvement in the plot.
Soft Yeah yeah that was then, this is now.
Flash Please can you tell me where you took her, what became of her?
Tom Oh some God forsaken place. Last I saw she was pretty much destitute. A tragic sight. All lost and alone on a strange and forbidding planet.
Flash Oh no. We must rescue her. Can you take us there?
Tom I don’t know, it took me ages to repair my ship the last time.
Flash I’ll pay whatever it takes.
Tom OK, OK hop in.
All sing “Flash Gordon”
Scene 12 – The palace on Klart
Snow White sings
Snow White I have never felt so alone. My step mother wanted me dead and I have travelled half way across the galaxy to find a bunch of aliens who think I’m a waste of space.
Enter Druffle and Ming
Druffle Your harem, Your Meanness!
Ming Well, it’s a start anyway. Let me see, how are we going to keep you away from my mother?
Druffle And your wife Sir.
Ming Don’t mention the wife! What can you do girl?
Snow White Nothing – I’m a princess!
Ming What? Remember Druffle – no peas in her bed.
Druffle Can’t you do anything – song and dance maybe?
Snow White I suppose I can do that, but I can’t cook or clean.
(Voices off stage)
Ming Druffle they’re coming – hide her!
Druffle covers the cage with a sheet or something.
Enter Ming’s mother and Princess Slobber
Mother Ah, my son. I’m so glad to find you. We were just looking for you to discuss plans for the banquet we’ll have to welcome your in-laws. And get you cleaned up (wipes his cheek with a handkerchief).
Princess I am so looking forward to mummy and daddy’s visit. Shall I cook?
Ming Oh Heavens!
Princess If I cook, what would you like, my love?
Ming An insurance policy! My in-laws are visiting again? You didn’t tell me.
Mother Yes they are, so don’t mess it up this time!!! And no mother-in-law jokes.
Ming Ahem, yes right, shall we discuss it outside? Come along.
Despite their efforts the Princess sees the covered cage.
Princess Why? Oh Ming dear what is this? Is it some sort of gift for me?
Ming Oh, no it isn’t.
Princess and audience Oh yes it is!
Ming Oh no it isn’t!
Princess and audience Oh yes it is!
The princess pulls back the cover to find Snow White.
Princess What is it? A pet?
Ming It’s a…
As he speaks Snow White starts to move like a doll and sing aka Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. The Princess is fooled and delighted.
Princess Oh Ming, how could you… have known that I would love this present.
Mother I hope there has been no misunderstanding here.
Ming No mother, I’m so pleased my Chu-chi face likes her present.
Princess I’ll arrange to have it moved to my rooms immediately.
Come along Ming, lets decide where my new toy should go.
They leave, but the Mother stops to stare suspiciously at Snow White who blinks.
Mother So, you are alive. Why are you in a cage?
Snow White I don’t know, I was kidnapped.
Mother Kidnapped? That saucy old devil. I know his game.
She exits as the 7 aliens enter disguised as Ming’s Merciless Militia.
Snoozy Are we there yet?
Shy Snow White, we’ve found you.
Snow White What are you doing, you’ll get in trouble if they catch you.
Bossy We felt we had to rescue you.
Frenchy I still don’t know why.
Giggles Don’t we look silly in these hats.
Dull (opening the cage) The risk of being caught is growing by odds of 15 to 1 for every second we remain.
Misery Well what are we waiting for then?
They exit
Scene 13 – Woods on Klart
Narrator Right now, concentrate folks, because it is getting complicated! Snow White has been rescued from Ming, but the Queen is on her way, determined to kill her. And Flash is on his way determined to marry her. Who will get there first and surely this show is reaching a climax? But who is this?
Oh no, it’s a landing party from the Star ship Enterprize, I might have known!
Enter Captain Kirk, Mr Spock and Scotty.
Kirk Can you give me any readings Spock?
Spock My instruments tell me there is life on this planet Captain Kirk.
Kirk What do you think Scotty?
Scotty I don’t like it Captain, I feel danger all around.
Kirk Put phasers on stun, boys. We have company.
Enter Frenchy and Giggles
Frenchy What is zis my friend? More aliens?
Spock I don’t understand Captain.
Scotty This has never happened before.
Giggles They seem frightened of us Frenchy.
Kirk They are not speaking with American accents. I’m going to try to communicate. (Speaking slowly and deliberately) We are friendly. We come from Earth.
Giggles Earth? Never heard of it.
Frenchy Zis is Klart. No Earth here!
Spock The words seem quite similar to ours, but the pronunciation is so strange.
Scotty It’s life Jim, but not as we know it.
They sing “Clingons on the Starboard bow”
Kirk and Spock Beam us up Scotty
Scene 14 – Palace on Klart
Enter Princess Slobber looking sad
Princess I’m so confused. I don’t know what he feels – one minute he hates me, then he seems to love me – he even gave me a cute nick name, Chu-chi face, isn’t that sweet. Next I found a gift he had delivered for me, but now I can’t find it anywhere! Maybe there’s someone else? Oh I don’t know. You know the really strange thing is, that even though he is so fickle, I love him, I really do!
She sings “Hopelessly devoted to you”
Scene 15 – Cottage on Klart
Enter Bossy and Snow White
Bossy Right. I’m going to work now, have you read the list?
Snow White Yes Bossy, hoover the bedrooms, wash the dishes, without breaking them, scrub the kitchen floor…
Bossy Now do it properly mind or you’ll be sent back to Ming and keep out of sight. The truth is we can’t afford a cleaner so we’ve agreed to keep you as long as you do the job properly!
Exit Bossy
SW I don’t believe it. I feel more like Cinderella. This doesn’t happen in the film. They all love her in the film. Mind you she can cook in the film. That’s silly, where does a princess learn to make pies?
Enter the Queen wearing a cloak
Queen Apples for sale! Delicious apples, juicy and ripe.
SW Oh what I wouldn’t give for a lovely apple. That’s not Ming’s Merciless Militia come to kidnap me, it’s just a dear old fruit seller. Excuse me, I’d like an apple, please.
Queen Of course my pretty. Here you are my dear. Taste it straight away. So juicy!
SW (Taking a bite) Mmm. Oh, I know you – Step mother – how did you find me? Ugh…(She chokes and falls to the floor lifeless.)
Queen Ahahaha! Goulash, come and see – she’s dead Goulash – I’m free of her at last!
Exit the Queen and enter the 7 aliens
Misery She hasn’t done the dishes again!
Snoozy I hope she’s made the beds.
Shy Snow White? Oh no, what’s wrong?
Dull (examines her) She’s dead!
Misery Typical, just as you thought she couldn’t get more useless, she goes and dies. Great, now we’re going to get the blame for her death. How are we going to explain an alien corpse on our kitchen floor?
Frenchy I knew she was more trouble zan she is worth.
Snoozy I admit I was quite fond of her.
Bossy Shy was her best friend. What do you want to do with her body Shy?
Shy I think we should put her in a glass coffin and keep watch over her day and night for the rest of our days.
Misery and Frenchy Are you mad?
Dull Even I think that would be a little er boring!
They sing “Always look on the bright side of life”
Bossy You see Shy, we should really be getting on with our lives.
Snoozy She’s gone to the great bed in the sky. She’ll be happy there.
Giggles Watching a dead body rot, just doesn’t sound like a great barrel of laughs to me.
Suddenly Tom, Flash and Soft crash land down the aisle.
As Flash enters he comes to the front of the stage to receive his recognition
Audience Flash aa-aah, saviour of the universe!
Tom That was my best landing yet!
Flash (looking dazed and clutching his head) Are we there? Is this Klart?
Soft (to Giggles) Can you understand me? Is this the planet Klart?
Giggles Here we go again. This is getting ridiculous. Why does every alien in the Universe suddenly land here?
Bossy Yes this is Klart. What can we do for you?
Flash I’m looking for a girl, so beautiful. Her name is Snow White.
Shy gasps and the aliens stand aside to reveal Snow White’s body
Flash Snow White!
Soft Oh no, we were too late.
Flash kneels and picks her up.
Flash We tried to find you my love. We have travelled so far and now. ..
Snow White’s head shifts and she coughs, the piece of apple falls out of her mouth!
Bossy Dull, I thought you said she was dead!
Dull Well, I don’t know, I’m not a doctor!
Snow White Flash, oh Flash it can’t be. I must be dreaming. My step mother was here. She poisoned me with an apple.
Flash Don’t worry any more. I’ve found you and now we’ll be married. We’ll get a lift to that place called Harrington we’ve talked about. We’ll start new lives and make new friends and live happily ever after.
They sing
Scene 16 - Palace on Klart
Narrator So here we are at the end of the show,
It’s time to tie up those loose ends, I know,
What will become of the Emperor Ming?
He’ll learn his own problems are less than a sting
His princess is ugly, but ever so wealthy,
He can close his eyes and imagine she’s healthy!
Together they’ll work on a shakey peace process
Between Slobber and Klart, not always the closest.
The people of Klart can now settle in peace
But our 7 aliens will still bicker and tease.
The Queen of Zotril needs psychiatrist’s help
To cope with the fact that she’s now on the shelf.
But first she’ll appear in the latest campaign,
To sell make up to women who all look the same
Queen Because I’m worth it!
Narrator Snow White and Flash Gordon, at once they will marry
They’ll sing and they’ll dance as happy as Larry
To Harrington they’ll go with laughter
To love and to live happily ever after.
And here we’ll greet them, they won’t be long.
We’ll sing to them the Harrington Song:
My, my in Harrington the people work together-
Oh yeah, and we can say this pantomime’s been lots of fun to do-
The costumes, the stage, and the props
But tonight the rehearsals have stopped.
Harrington- Something is special about this place
Harrington- We promise you’ll find a friendly face.
Harrington- People of Harrington have no fear
Harrington- There’ll always be somebody smiling here.
Harrington- You’ll always be welcome in Harrington
Play Flash Gordon as the cast step forward for their curtain call:
Mother, father and children
Ming’s Merciless Militia
Mirror and vicar
Kirk, Spock and Scotty
King and Queen of Slobber
Soft and Tom
Mother and Druffle
Queen and Goulash
Ming and Princess Slobber
7 aliens
Flash and SW
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