Snow White and The 7 Aliens

 

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Snow White and the 7 Aliens

written by Judith Dixo

 

Scene 1 – In the palace on Zotril

 

Narrator    once upon a time there was a beautiful princess. She was greatly loved across the whole kingdom. Unfortunately, when her father died she was left in the care of her stepmother who was OK, but well…she was also very beautiful and as queen she figured it was her God given right that she should be the fairest in the land. They lived in a wonderful palace a long long way from Harrington. In fact the palace was on the other side of the galaxy on the planet of Zotril (I know, I know, it sounds like a tube of toothpaste, but as it happens the most popular brand of toothpaste on Zotril is actually called Harrington. It’s a strange world, well, worlds actually). Anyway, let’s go there now to meet the queen… Oh, I almost forgot to mention, as well as being a queen, she is also a witch!

Queen         (Sitting at her mirror while her goblin puts an extraordinary head dress on her.) Ah yes, this new style really suits me. Gives me height to make me seem more imposing.

Goulash      Yes Your Majesty, you seem even more terrifying than usual.

Queen         That’s right Goulash, I love the look of fear in the people’s eyes on a walk about. Every time I shake someone’s hand I do a spell and they never know what they might be turned into.

Goulash      Last week it was 3 toads, 6 worms and a stoat if I remember correctly.

Queen         (laughing) Oh yes and don’t forget the duck. It looked so funny as it waddled away quacking!

Goulash      That was Jones, the baker, you turned his wife into a vicar the week before.

Queen         Yes, perhaps that was going a bit far!

Goulash      And you turned that nice woman in the shop into an estate agent…

Queen         Ok. Ok. Anyway, its time for this week’s walkabout in 5 minutes. We’ll have to get going. (Doing her lipstick)Well that is perfect, I look truly stunning. My beauty alone will leave them speechless! Come on Goulash, show time!

Exit Queen and Goulash and enter Snow White and Flash from the other side.

Narrator    Now here comes our hero, Flash Gordon, saviour of the Universe! We must make him feel special. So I want you to help me – every time we see him we’ll all sing “Flash, aa-aah, Saviour of the Universe!” Lets practise: “Flash aa-aah, saviour of the universe!” Good – now look he’s coming…

As Flash enters he comes to the front of the stage to receive his recognition.

Audience    Flash aa-aah, saviour of the universe!

Narrator    And he’s got Snow White with him.

Snow White         She’s gone, we’ll be safe here!

Flash          She’s gone on one of her walkabouts. She’ll be out for hours and the community will be in shatters afterwards with everybody in their gardens trying to work out if the worm they are holding is in fact great uncle Bert. She is so evil!

Snow White         I know, but it’s just that she is so obsessed by beauty. She is afraid that if there were anyone as beautiful as her that they would challenge her supremacy.

Flash          But that’s just it, you are more beautiful than she is and one day she will discover this. I’m scared of what she might do to you, my dear Snow White.

Snow White         Oh Flash, you’re exaggerating!

Flash          I don’t think so. We must carry out our plan to elope as soon as possible.

Snow White         Elope! How romantic. I’d love to elope with you my love and we can live happily ever after on some little quiet planet somewhere. I’ve heard the planet Earth is quite nice, although the place names do sound a bit like toothpaste!

Flash          Well, I’ll go and make the arrangements straight away. Meet me in the woods at midnight!

Snow White         Oh yes Flash, I’ll go to the ends of the Universe with you!

They exit as the other 2 return

Narrator    Oh dear, here comes the Queen again, what a bore. You can boo her later on if you like, but perhaps for now we’d better give her three cheers. Royalty like that kind of thing. Makes them feel important, makes them feel like they are doing something useful, and we’ve got to keep her happy or Flash and Snow White will never get away with it. So here goes… Hip Hip…

Queen         A success! A triumph! I wowed them out there!

Goulash      It was great, Your Majesty. I heard several people admire your new clothes.

Queen         The Lord Mayor even commented at how young looking I am. No grey hairs at all yet!

Goulash      And hardly any wrinkles!

Queen         Careful Goulash!

Goulash      Oh er sorry, no wrinkles at all!

Queen         Anyway, I still just want to be sure, lets hear what the mirror has to say:                   Mirror, mirror, you are wise

                                      You see and yet you have no eyes

                                      Some have eyes who cannot see

                                      But you can pick out true beauty

O Mirror, mirror on the wall

                                      Who is the fairest of them all?

Mirror                           O Queen, as always you are fair

                                      Your face will always make men stare

                                      But there is one in your household

                                      Who’s youthful shape makes you look old

                                      You ask me so I tell you right

                                      The fairest of them all? Snow White!

Queen                            Oh this is nonsense, she’s a girl

                                      She knows nothing of the world

                                      Her dimples and her smiles are childish

                                      Her clothes are never ever stylish!

                                      Things would have gone the other way

                                      If only she’d been called ‘slush grey’.

Mirror                           That may be true but she is fair

                                      And next to her you don’t compare

                                      Her figure and her face are sweet

                                      To look on her is quite a treat!

Queen         Oh these couplets are so boring. My anger and my vengeance soaring, I can’t stop rhyming, its that mirror, it really is a holy terror!

Goulash(looking at a picture of Snow White) I’ve never noticed before, but the mirror is right, she is a real looker!

Queen         That’s it! Snow White must die! I’ll do everything in my power to destroy the little strumpet!

 

Narrator and Goulash sing “Killer Queen”

 

 

 

Scene 2 – In another palace, on Klart

Narrator    Meanwhile, far away across the galaxy, in another palace, remarkably similar to the first one, a wedding is about to take place. A wedding of a somewhat political nature. The two planets of Klart and Slobber have been at war for generations and a truce has been called while the Emperor Ming of Klart marries Princess Slobber – perhaps this will bring a cessation of violence forever.

Ming’s Mum        Now Ming dear there’s no point in arguing. The matter is all decided. The only way to prove to the Sloberians that we are no longer a threat to their security is for you to marry the Princess.

Ming           But mother, I haven’t even seen her. How can I promise to marry some girl I’ve never met. She might be hideous!

Mum           Well it’s of no consequence, they’re on their way right now. The wedding is today and I’ll be signing a peace treaty as you sign the marriage register. As we speak thousands of troops are returning to their families. So stop moaning and start preparing for the joys of wedlock!

Ming           Wedlock, that word sends shivers down my spine! Oh Druffle, old pal, what shall I do?

Druffle        It’ll be alright, she’s a princess, she’s bound to be beautiful.

Ming           They’re not all beautiful, Fiona was an ogre!

Druffle        OK, but that was the exception! These arranged marriages always work out fine – you’ll learn to love her!   

Ming           Do you really think so?

Druffle        Oh stop fussing. How bad can she be? I think I hear something, that’ll be them now.

Mother       on your best behaviour now Ming.

The Wedding March plays as the Slobber family enter. The princess wears a veil.

Ming           We are delighted to welcome you to the Kingdom of Klart on this momentous occasion.

King           We have waged war with your kingdom for 4 generations. I hope we can trust you to respect the terms of our peace treaty.

Ming           Of course. We are removing all our troops from the borders and we promise not to capture any more cities as long as you release the Klartian prisoners.

King           Good. The business is over. We have come here to celebrate.

Ming           Yes, I look forward to meeting the beautiful lady who is to be my bride. Is she coming along later?

Mum           (Whispers to Ming)You idiot! That’s her with the veil?

Ming           (gasps) Oh madam, forgive me, I-I thought you looked too young for matrimony!

Druffle        (Whispers to Ming)Nice recovery!

Ming           (Whispers to Druffle) Druffle, she – she’s enormous!

Druffle        (Whispers to Ming) Don’t panic, most super models are very tall!

Ming           (Whispers to Druffle) You’re right – a super-model, huh! Now you’re talking!

Druffle        She’ll be like a god.

Ming           Yes, yes, like Venus the goddess of love!

Druffle        (aside) I was thinking more of Buddha.

Vicar          Will the couple step forward? There now – we are gathered together … and you have a ring… so that’s it, I now pronounce you husband and wife!

Ming           Is that all? (aside) I don’t think much of vicars these days.

Vicar          Oh yes a very simple service. Simple, but elegant, I think you’ll agree. Well then young man, you may kiss the bride!

Princess removes veil.

Ming           Aaaargh! (He staggers back in horror as the princess puckers up) Mother what have you done? It’s a monster! It’s revolting.

King           How dare you! Tear up that treaty – let the war continue. You have insulted my daughter, you have insulted me, you have insulted the whole Sloberian empire! (To the princess)Farewell my child!

The Sloberians depart leaving the Princess.

Ming           Right, yeah, sorry about that. Anyway, bye there, have a good trip…(sees princess) Aaaah. Wait. You’ve forgotten something. Come back, you’ve left your luggage behind. Aren’t you taking it with you? What do you want me to do with it?

Mum           Oh Ming, what a disaster. You ruined the whole thing and you’ve hurt the poor girl’s feelings. I’ve got a good mind to stop your pocket money!

Ming           Mum!

Mum           Come here my dear, just ignore the nasty husband!

Princess     I had my hair done especially for the day, I guess he doesn’t like my hair!

Ming           Your hair is fine dear, you just need more of it to cover up your face! And maybe less of it on your chest!

Princess (wailing) O you cruel man, you are totally without mercy.

The ladies leave

Ming           That’s it Druffle. This fiasco has broken the last remnants of kindness left in me. From now on I shall be known as Ming the Merciless and I shall crush the Sloberians before taking over as ruler of the whole Universe – Ha Ha Ha Ha!

 

 

Scene 3 – the town of Klart

Narrator    The people of Klart suffered as Ming the Merciless mobilised his men again after only one day’s leave.

Enter Ming’s Merciless Militia (scouts) singing

Sergeant Major   Right you lot, it’s time to fight for your country. Every able bodied man is ordered to pack up and join up.

Daddy         But we only came home yesterday!

Mummy      I thought the war was over.

Militia        Well it’s started again so let’s go.

Child 1       Daddy why are you going to fight the Sloberians now?

Daddy         O my sweet child. Ours is not to reason why – we must trust our noble rulers.

Child 2       I thought Emperor Ming was going to marry the Princess of Slobber and live happily ever after.

Daddy         Well, for some reason that scheme doesn’t seem to have worked.

Child 3       Is it true that Princess Slobber is so ugly that Emperor Ming was physically sick?

Mummy      Well now Darlings, no more gossip, Daddy has to go. Farewell my husband – come home to us soon.

Militia exit with daddy and Children sing

Narrator    A tattered society. Almost no men to do the heavy work, but, as in every war, there was a home guard. It was a collection of men, brave and dependable, strong and intelligent. You remember Dad’s army! The community relied on them for protection and comfort. There are seven of them, and once upon a time they would have been called the seven dwarfs, but in this sensitive age, the politically correct title for the show, Snow White and the seven people of diminutive stature, just didn’t sound right, and besides where were we going to find 7 short people in Harrington?

7 aliens enter at a march

Bossy          Hup, 2, 3, 4, Keep it up, 2, 3, 4

Misery        Oh for goodness sake Bossy, we’ve been marching round and round this town all day. The war is 300 light years away, why can’t we stop?

Snoozy finds a comfy corner and sits down

Snoozy        I’ll just catch forty winks while you guys argue.

Dull            Actually it’s 280 light years and I calculated that the possibility of the Sloberian army attacking this town within the next month, as outweighed by the chances of the complete planet’s destruction, was on average 3 to 1 against, with a probability factor of 63 over 29.85 so…

Shy             I’m sorry to interrupt Mr Dull, but perhaps there is something more useful we could be doing to help the local community.

Frenchy      Oui, Oui, we need to service ze lonely ladies in zis town. It is to zem we should be marching! Isn’t zat what you mean Shy.

Giggles       hee, hee, hee! That’s what Shy meant alright, he’s never spoken to a female in his life.

Shy             I have.

Giggles       I didn’t mean your mum!!! Ha ha ha.

Shy             Actually, I was married once.

Giggles       What happened? How did it end?

Shy             Death separated us.

Misery        Death? Who died?

Shy             She did of course!

Bossy          Well, you think you know a guy…Anyway, what are we standing around here for?

Misery        We’re having a rest!

Frenchy      I’m quite ze chef you know, if we’re ‘aving ze rest maybe I cook us something to eat. Would you like Roast Beef or Pea Soup?

Giggles       Soup for me please. After all anybody can Roast Beef, but only Frenchy can pea soup. Hehehe.

Bossy          Oi you lot, you need a rest eh? Getting hungry? Your poor legs are getting tired? Well, I’m in charge here so until my orders change, I’ve got to keep you lot fit. You snivelling, worthless (he strides up and down as though they are on parade) hey, where’s Snoozy?

Snoozy        Huh? What? Oh coming. ( He slowly takes his place – still yawning)

Giggles       Come on Snoozy, we’re being disciplined, tee hee, Bossy is telling us that we’re useless again.

Misery        Och he just likes the sound of his own voice. It’s not as though any of us listen.

Dull            Of course the statistics tell us that obedience in a regiment is the single most important factor in the survival of the soldiers.

Giggles       That’s assuming your officer has a clue about what he’s supposed to be doing! Hee hee, ha, ha!

Bossy          Right, that’s enough. Repeat after me while jogging on the spot…                           We are here to save our Klart

                                      Just in case the Slobbers start

                                      Far away there is a war

                                      But we can’t go there that’s for sure

                                      I’m too old, and he’s too mad

                                      Snoozy’s caring for his dad

                                      Giggles drove the army nuts

                                      Laughing fit to split his guts

                                      Frenchy is a pacifist

                                      He’s too scared to use his fist

                                      Dull is last, he knows his stuff

                                      But he’s so boring they had enough.

 

Scene 4  - palace on Zotril    

Queen         Have you seen that girl?

Goulash      Who? Snow White? She’s singing sweetly in the garden, a lovely sight, I’ve been watching her for the past hour, I’m totally besotted.

Queen         You traitor! You won’t think she’s so pretty when I have her heart cut out and brought to me in a jar!

Goulash      A jar… oh of course, you’re jealous so you’re going to kill her.

Queen         Jealous? Jealous? She’s an evil manipulating witch – she is not pretty, she has just put a spell on you. You fool – she’s really taken you in.

Goulash      Snow White is a witch? Sorry I thought you were the witch. Turning people into animals and clergy and all.        

Queen         Nonsense you silly man. Anyway, if I didn’t have uses for you, you’d be a cockroach by now and don’t you forget it! Or an estate agent!

                   My most trusted soldier is on his way to receive my orders.

Enter soldier

Queen         Ah, Sergeant Soft, I was waiting for you.

Soft             Ma’am, I await your orders.

Queen         You are familiar with the evil witch who lives in my household?

Soft             I only live to serve you Ma’am.

Queen         Not me, you idiot, Snow White!

Soft             Snow White is an evil witch? Never!

Queen         Do you defy me? Would you prefer to be a toad or a worm?

Soft             Sorry Ma’am! I forgot myself, Snow White is certainly a most terrible sorceress. (He looks at Goulash and shrugs as if the Queen is mad.)

Queen         Your task is to destroy Snow White and bring me her heart in a jar by midnight tonight!

Soft             Destroy Snow White? But perhaps prison would be more appropriate, or even better, maybe she could just come and live with me in my house. I’d look after her and make sure she didn’t...

Queen         Abracadabra…(She is about to put a spell on him.)

Soft             OK, OK! I’ll do it. Snow White’s heart in a jar by midnight. I may not have a place in her heart, but at least her heart will have a place in my…

Queen         Just get on with it will you. I need that Snow White dead!

Soft             (To the audience) How can I kill Snow White? I love Snow White! Everybody loves Snow White!

 

Scene 5  – the palace at Klart

Ming has his head in his hands as his mother enters

Narrator    This whole situation is a diplomatic disaster. The fighting is intense and the Slobber army are currently on top.

Mother       How are you going to explain it to the people, if the Slobbers invade this planet?

Ming           Oh I don’t know. But I can’t go ahead with this marriage to a monster.

Druffle        Oh make an effort, what would it take to get you to kiss her?

Ming           An anaesthetic!

Mother       Ming, you must make this marriage work! If we can’t persuade the King of Slobber that his daughter is happy, well… you’ll have to go to the war and fight alongside your subjects!

Ming           What? Me fight in a war? Mother, you can’t make me!

Mother       You know I can and this new phase of the battle is your fault so the least you can do is go and lead your own troops.

Ming           I may be merciless, but I’m not fearless, I can’t fight a battle. What shall I do?

Druffle        You could try a bit harder with the princess.

Ming           Hmm. Mother, what if the princess were to die accidentally?

Mother       Well, it’s very unlikely while she’s here, but I suppose we might be forced to negotiate a new treaty if one of the main parts of the last one expired.

Mother exits busily.

Druffle        What did she say?

Ming           She said that if the Slobberchops dies by accident, I don’t have to go to war. I have a cunning plan! Call my special force!

Druffle        Ming’s Merciless Militia! Fall in!

The MMM enter to receive orders.

Ming           Ah, my regiment of revolting rascals. I have a special task for you, huddle up!

They huddle up and he whispers his plan.

Enter Princess Slobber, the MMM spread round the outside of the stage with their various weapons.

Ming           Ah my dear, how lovely to see you.

Princess     Lovely? You think I am lovely?

Ming           Well er… yes, I’m sorry about the other day, I was er, shy. Of course, now I am more used to you I can tell you how I really feel.

Princess     Oh, I understand. You poor sweet boy, shyness can be such a difficult affliction. You don’t have to worry with me though, I may be a princess, but I’m quite ordinary really.

Ming           Ordinary, right, but in fact I am …over whelmed by you, you being a princess and all.

Princess     Oh no. You mustn’t feel like that. I have always dreamed of what it would it would be like to have a – well, a man.

Ming           You’ve never had a boy friend?

Princess     No, it wouldn’t have been allowed.

Ming           I guess not.

Princess     I imagined that when I had a…partner, we might have pet names – like Teddy Bear…

Ming           Or Chu-chi face?

Princess     Oh yes, Chu-chi face! (She squeezes his cheek affectionately, but hard and he recoils in pain.)

They sing Chu-chi face as the MMM try to kill the Princess in various different ways.

Princess     Ming dear, I am not sure these soldiers have my welfare in mind.

Ming           They certainly don’t have mine – (aside) as she’s still here! (To the Princess) I may have to go to fight in Sloberia!

Princess     Oh no! I shall write to my father tomorrow to tell him of my marital bliss. The war shall end before my dear shy husband need go and risk his life. (seductively)I’ll see you later.

Ming           Oh help! I don’t know what is worse, happily ever after with Frankenstein’s monster or death and oblivion on a distant battlefield. (To the MMM)And you guys were no help! You were supposed to kill her, you idiots, but you were about as much use as a chocolate fireguard.

 

Scene 6– In the woods on Zotril

Narrator    Here we are back on Zotril, where Snow White and Flash Gordon have a date to elope, but Sergeant Soft has other plans. I think Flash is coming, are you ready? Can you remember what to sing?

Audience    Flash aa-aah, saviour of the universe!

As Flash enters he comes to the front of the stage to receive his recognition

Flash          I am so excited. I have arranged passage for me and my love Snow White upon this space shuttle. We plan to elope this very night. She should be along any minute. (He whistles while he waits) Ooh, there’s no “facilities” on board and I’m bursting, just excuse me for a moment!

He exits right.

Snow white enters from the left

Snow White         I’m sure this is where I’m supposed to meet Flash Gordon. I’ve brought a picnic and a good book to read on the journey. It’s amazing what you can get in Ashcroft’s- that is the one thing I’ll miss when I go to earth. There can’t be another shop called Ashcroft’s in the entire universe.

Narrator    Oh yes there is.

Snow White         Oh no there isn’t.

Etc.

Snow White         Oh, where is Flash?

 Sergeant Soft enters

Soft             (To the audience) There she is, I could do it right now. I must do it right now – it’s her life or mine – The queen will turn me into something nasty if I don’t kill Snow White, and my wife will kill me if I get turned into a toad – she says I’m as lazy as a toad already! Oh my goodness, she’s so pretty, I don’t know if I can do this.(He hides behind a tree)

SW             It’s a bit spooky in these woods all alone. I wonder if you could help. Would you tell me if you see anything dangerous? Just shout “Snow White take flight!”

 Soft            OK here goes…

He raises his arm to stab Snow White,

Audience    Snow White take flight!

Soft hides behind a tree as SW looks round

He tries again

Audience    Snow White take flight!

Soft hides again

He tries a third time, but this time she turns round and screams.

Soft             Oh Snow White, I’m sorry, but your step mother has ordered me to kill you so please stand still and I’ll try to make it as painless as possible.

He closes his eyes and stabs, but she has backed away, so he misses and seems surprised, he opens his eyes.

Soft             Where are you?

S W            My step mother wants you to kill me?

Soft             Yes, that’s right, on account of you being so pretty.

SW             Oh no. It’s just as Flash said, she’s jealous! Oh what shall I do? (Calling) Flash! Flash Gordon, where are you?

Panicking, he gags her and ties her hands!

Soft             Be quiet will you, you silly girl! To be honest I didn’t want to kill you. Actually, I, well I don’t know what to do. Your just a lovely girl – so sweet, so naïve – hey, what’s that light?

Enter Major Tom

Tom            It’s only a torch. Chill out man! Who’s the bird anyway?

Soft             She’s…well she’s the Princess Snow White and I have to kill her but I don’t want to. Anyway who are you?

Tom            I’m Tom.

Soft             Tom? Who’s Tom?

Tom            You know, Major Tom, I’ve got a space shuttle and as the advert says:

“Wherever you wanna go to,

wherever you wanna go from,

Travel for one or for two,

always call me, Major Tom!”

Soft             Hang on, I’ve had an idea. How about you take the Princess far away across the galaxy so she can live happily and never be found by her evil step mother.

Pulling down her gag

SW             That is exactly what I had in mind. You see there’s this place called Harrington on a planet called Earth and Flash and I would quite like to settle there. It sounds quite nice there, apart from being named after toothpaste that is!

She returns her gag

Tom            Fine. How are you paying? Cash or credit, only the credit card machine has been playing up so I’d really rather have cash.

Soft             Paying? – but you’d be saving the life of a Princess.

Tom            Oh, OK, I’ll give you a 5% discount – seems fair! That’ll be…10,000 Boggles please.

Soft             Oh dear – oh well – here you are – but you are an immoral wretch!

Tom            I’m immoral? You were about to kill her in cold blood!

                   Come on then deary, lets go. Shall we take this nasty gag off?

SW             (shouting) Flash Gordon! Help!

Tom hastily regags her.

Tom            on second thoughts, I think it can stay there for now. Goodness what a noise. Nothing wrong with her lungs anyway! No time to wait for other passengers. Ready for take off – Geronimo!

He straps her into the space ship and they take off. Enter Goulash

Goulash      Stop! Where’s the Princess? Please tell me you haven’t killed her.

Soft             No. I haven’t killed her. I’ll be a toad before morning. Or a vicar. Or an Estate Agent!

Goulash      What? Oh you’re a good man. What happened?

Soft             I couldn’t do it. She has escaped with Major Tom into a distant galaxy.

Goulash      Tom? That hippy? He’s not an astronaut, he’s an astronut! They’ll be lucky to get to the moon. Anyway, you have done your best and I will help you to pull off this deceit against the Queen. We will catch a wild pig and present its heart to the Queen and pretend it is Snow White’s. She’ll never know the difference. I hope!

Soft             Oh thank you.

They exit as Flash returns, doing up his fly

Audience    Flash aa-aah saviour of the universe!

As Flash enters he comes to the front of the stage to receive his recognition

Flash          Aah, That feels better. Funny I thought Snow White would have been here by now. And where has Tom gone. I arranged for him to be here to take us away from this planet, but he seems to have disappeared. Something has gone wrong. Oh my Snow White, I hope you are safe. (He runs off)

 Scene 7  - In the woods on Klart

Narrator    The journey was long and a bit wobbly so both Snow White and Tom suffered from travel sickness, but after many days they landed, or should I say crashed on a strange planet.

SW             Hmm, Harrington does not look a bit like it did in the Intergalactic Eccentric Holidays Brochure. Where is the harbour? Where are all the churches? Where’s Mary the lollipop lady? Why is the weather so nice?

Tom            Ah, well we didn’t actually make it to Harrington. Slight technical hitch. This planet is called Klart.

SW             Klart? Hmm better be careful about using that word in any rhymes or songs.

Tom            Oh man, my space shuttle is all busted up.

SW              Do you think you can fix it?

Tom            Yeah, it always seems to land like that, so I’m used to mending it. In fact, this is easy compared with some of the things I have to do. Back on Zotril I occasionally have to fix the Scout minibus- now that is a challenge.

SW             Have you never thought of learning how to land it more carefully?

Tom            Don’t know where to begin. I was taught to drive it by the Zotril Scout leaders, as payment for fixing their van. There can’t be worse drivers than the Zotril Scout leaders anywhere in the universe. But it’s never their fault. (Puts on different voice) Yes, officer the planet did just jump out in front of me.

SW             Sounds like you should take some lessons from somebody else.

Tom            Could be. Anyway I’ll be on me way. You’re safe now away from that Queen. See ya.

Exit Tom

SW             I may be away from the Queen, but I’m all alone on a strange planet. I have no protection, no weapons, no food, I don’t even know what the people here will look like. Oh no, I hear someone coming, I must hide. She hides behind a tree.

Enter the 7 aliens.

Bossy                    Left, right, left…

Frenchy (to Shy)   Zen she approached me and kissed me and caressed me… I was so ‘appy, until ze alarm clock went off.

Dull            It has been calculated that one’s dreams reflect around 1.00002% of one’s real experiences. In fact, I believe if you  experience something regularly, then you are most unlikely to dream about it.

Giggles       So,  hee hee ha ha, if Dull is right, then the more Frenchy dreams of “ze ladies” the less actually meets them. Ho ho ha ha.

Frenchy      Well, what chance ‘ave I got around ‘ere wiz Bossy making us charge around like donkeys all ze time.

Bossy                    Insubordination, as usual! This is what I expect of you                                            disgusting, lazy oafs.

Snoozy        Here we go again. ( He goes to sit down behind the same tree as Snow White) Aargh!!!! (He runs back behind the defensive ranks which have formed incredibly quickly)

Bossy                   What is it Corporal Snoozy?

Snoozy        An alien – a Slobber!

Misery Guts         Oh heck, it was only a matter of time. The whole army is gone except us and we are being invaded!.

Shy             What shall we do? Oh Bossy, do you think we are surrounded? (They form a circle pointing their weapons outwards and walk slowly round.)

Bossy                   I don’t think so Shy.

Giggles       I’ve got the giggles. It’s a nervous thing, I can’t help it.

Dull            It is a common affliction among the simple minded. Would you like me to slap you? (Dull slaps him before he has a chance to answer)

Giggles       No! Ow!

Bossy                    We need a plan.

Misery        Och, for heavens sake. Lets capture the one we know about at least then we can find out from him how many there are.

Shy             You mean torture him?

Misery (cheering up) Well, if necessary! Come on!

They move as one to the tree and drag Snow White out of her hiding place.

Frenchy      Ugh, it’s hideous. No wonder zey call zem Slobbers!

Snow White         I’m not called Slobber, I’m Snow White!

Dull            It is true that she is not a Slobberian. She seems to be a strange alien from a far off Galaxy.

Misery        So can we torture her then?

Snow White         I am a Princess from the planet Zotril.

Giggles       Sounds like a brand of toothpaste, if you ask me.

Bossy          So you’re not a Slobber soldier invading while our army is away.

Snow White No, I know nothing of Slobber.

Frenchy      That’s your opinion. She’s a sight isn’t she Shy.

Shy             She, well, I think, oh gosh – I think you are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen.

Frenchy      What? You need your head examined – look she only has two eyes – hideous!

Snow White         Well my beauty is my problem – I had to flee the planet because my Step Mother the Queen wanted me dead. She was jealous because I am more beautiful than she.

Frenchy      What is she like then? Shrek’s bum?

Snoozy        You poor dear, when did you get here?

SW             Just now – in a space shuttle. I feel tired after my journey, but I have nowhere to go.

Bossy          Right! We needed a task for today! Here it is! Snoozy – go and prepare a bed for Snow White and remember she’s a princess so no peas! Giggles and Dull, prepare a meal – the girl’s starving – find out what she eats! Misery and Frenchy – to the village – buy our guest some clean clothes. Shy – you look after the girl, take her to barracks and make her feel at home.

Aliens sing “Consider Yourself”

Snow White         Oh thank you, I don’t know what to say. I should feel relieved, but I don’t think I’ll ever be really happy again.

Shy             Why not Princess? What’s wrong?

Snow White         This should have been my wedding day. Now my Flash is light years away and he thinks I’m dead. Our love is just a memory.

 

Scene 8 – the woods on Zotril

Narrator    Meanwhile, back on Zotril the Evil Queen was delighted with her pig’s heart and ate it with apple sauce and carrots, believing it to be Snow White’s. She gave Sergeant Soft a promotion, which he wished he could refuse.

Soft             I have arranged to meet Snow White’s boyfriend, Flash Gordon. I must tell the truth. I may have destroyed his life, but at least I can reassure him that Snow White is alive.

As Flash enters he comes to the front of the stage to receive his recognition

Audience    Flash aa-aah, saviour of the universe!

Flash          You there! Are you the wretch who killed my Snow White? Prepare to die!

Flash grabs Soft  and holds a knife to his throat.

Soft             Well, yes and no.

Flash          Which is it, Worm?

Soft             Look, if I tell you what happened, I may well become a worm, so please calm down.

Flash          Well then tell me what you know!

Soft             I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t kill Snow White! (He breaks down crying)

Flash           You mean she’s not dead?

Soft             No, she’s not dead. Please don’t tell the Queen.

Flash          Where is she? Have you got her?

Soft             No, but she is safe from harm. Major Tom took her away in his space shuttle. I don’t know where.

Flash          Snow White. My love, you’re alive. Somewhere out there, over the rainbow – no Judith I’m not singing that!!! I will search everywhere and never rest until I find her. Our summer love was so wonderful… OK OK I’ll sing that one…

Enter Snow White on the other side – they sing “Summer Nights”

                            

                             Interval

Scene 9 – In town on Klart

Narrator    The war is over again, Princess Slobber is besotted with Emperor Ming, her husband and told her daddy that all was well. So here we are celebrating and everybody is here!

All Sing and dance – then exit all but SW, 7 aliens, Ming and Druffle

Ming           (To the audience) Goodness, I haven’t danced like that for years. I almost forgot my problems. I lost myself in the grace and beauty of my dancing, but then I saw my wife again. I am beginning to accept that it is my fate to remain married to the gorgon, but I can’t help thinking that I should have some consolation prize. Maybe a diplomatic post on the other side of the galaxy, far away from my family.

                   He sees Snow White chatting with the aliens.

                   Hello! Who is that? Now if I had someone like that on my staff… she is so pretty, she would be able to distract me from my troubles!!! Druffle! Is there any reason why shouldn’t have a harem?

Druffle        Well, it’s not a tradition on this planet. Have you run the idea past your wife?

Ming           To be honest, I’d be more worried about what my mother would say.

Druffle        Yes, she may send you to your room again.

Ming           Look, let’s get this clear once and for all. I wasn’t sent to my room. I went there voluntarily.

Druffle        Well, whatever. But what will mummy say when she hears you have a harem?

Ming           Perhaps she need never know.

Druffle        Ah. Did you have anyone in mind Your Mercilessness?

Ming           Well, actually, yes. I want that one.

Druffle        She’s a bit odd looking. She’s not from Klart is she.

Ming           You may think she’s odd. How dare you say such things about the love of my life. I think she’s beautiful. Your job is to arrange for her to be in the palace dungeon by night fall. And no excuses!

Exit Ming, Druffle hides and watches the aliens

Giggles       I love parties! But you to be careful which planet you’re on – the bars on the moon have no atmosphere!

Shy             Isn’t it great – the war’s over!

Misery        That’s right! Do you hear Bossy, no more telling us what to do!

Frenchy      Now I feel a duty to comfort all ze war widows.

‘Ave you noticed ‘ow many girls don’t want to get married zese days?

Shy             How do you know?

Frenchy      Because I’ve asked zem all of course!

Snoozy        At last I can really relax!

Bossy          You slept through the war, I can’t believe you even noticed it.

Dull            There have been astonishingly few casualties in this war, largely because it takes two months to get to Slobber even at warp speed 5, so most of the time we were at war the armies were travelling and by the time they reached the front lines the cease fire had been called!

Frenchy      So no war widows! Oh la la!

Snow White         So you will no longer need my help.

Frenchy      Zat’s right love, nice knowing you.

Shy             But where will you go? What will you do?

S W            Oh, I’m sure I can find some work. Thank you all for your kindness.

She wanders away sadly.

Shy             Oh Bossy, can’t we do something?

Misery        She’s a princess, she has no skills – she’s not even that good at cooking.

Snoozy        She hasn’t washed my sheets in 3 weeks!

Giggles       And she keeps breaking the china when she washes up. She’s so useless at that sort of thing, she’s practically a man!

Frenchy      And her cooking, urggg!

Shy             She made moussaka for us.

Frenchy      Yes, with real moose!

Shy             Well, there was the ratatouille!

Frenchy      Made with real rat!

Shy             And the goulash. Don’t tell me.

Frenchy      Yep, made with real ghoul!

Giggles       Glad we didn’t ask for spotted dick.

Shy             Ahh well, never mind, guys, that’s not the point.

Frenchy      Voila Shy, ze weirdo alien girl is useless and she’s not our responsibility!

Bossy          No, Shy is right! She can’t manage on her own. We must help her. There must be something she can do!

While they’re arguing Druffle kidnaps Snow White. They see him at the last minute. They shout all together and run after them.

Misery        Hey who’s that?

Bossy          Come back here!

Shy             Snow White!

Frenchy      Qu’est ce que c’est?

Giggles       You’re ‘aving a laugh!

Snoozy        Hey, wait!

Dull            I’m sorry, but she belongs to us!

They come back on stage

Shy             He got away, with my Snow White!

Bossy          Who was it, did anyone see who it was?

Snoozy        He looked local.

Frenchy      Why would somebody steal her?

Misery        Yeah she’s useless.

Dull            It was Druffle. He is the servant and confidante to the Emperor Ming.

Giggles       Well, that’s that then. We’ll never see her again.

Shy             But we must rescue her!

Frenchy      Why?

Misery        Yeah – she was looking for a job – I guess she found one!

Giggles       I don’t think it’s quite what she had in mind!

Frenchy      We’ll never agree about zis!

Bossy          Right, lets ask the audience. (To the audience) Should we rescue her?

Audience    Yes!

Misery        I didn’t hear anything did you?

Giggles       Look, we’re hundreds of thousands of light years away, you’re going to have to shout. Should we rescue Snow White?

Audience    Yes!

Snoozy        Wow! Even I heard that!

Frenchy      OK, OK we’ll rescue the useless girl!

Bossy          Right lads – we’ve been together for some time now – but this is our first really dangerous mission. Like her or not, she is a good girl and does not deserve to be manhandled by merciless miscreants.

Shy             Oh thank you Bossy.

Snoozy        Here we go again.

Bossy          Come on we need to make a plan.

 

Scene 10 – A Palace on Zotril

As Scene 1 – the Queen prepares for a walk about.

Narrator    Here we are again, the Killer Queen preparing to meet and greet her loyal subjects. She basks in confidence and has made a new law that everyone must wear sunglasses when they look at her, to protect them from the glare of her beauty! Oooh that woman has really got my goat now. I wish I hadn’t asked you to cheer her earlier on. You’d better boo her now. Go on, boo like your life depends on it.

Queen         How do I look?

Goulash      Looking lovely as usual Ma’am!

Queen         Quite right Goulash, hey where are your sunglasses?

Goulash (sarcastically) Oh my goodness, I may go blind, so intense is your perfection.

Queen (taking him seriously) That’s right Goulash and then you would be truly cursed, as you would never be able to look on me again!

Goulash      Oh woe! (To the audience) Good grief!

Queen         Now just to check with the mirror, before I go out there. I get such stage fright – (she giggles) it’s silly really, but I do, I really do. I haven’t felt this nervous since I read the lesson in church.

Goulash      Oh get on with it… I mean, yes Your Majesty, but the royal mirror is always a boost for you!

Queen                   Mirror, mirror, look on me,

                             There such beauty you will see.

                             Before I go to meet my crowd

                             Reassure me clear and loud.

                             I know I am the fairest one

                             So say it now then I’ll be gone.

Mirror                  Oh Queen, you know it once was said

                             “Beauty can bring a big fat head”

                             Your vanity makes you ugly now

                             And wrinkles soon will mar your brow.

                             There is another, prettier far,

                             Whose humble nature lights the stars

                             Tom gave her a good head start

                             Snow White lives, on the planet Klart.

Queen         I-I-I… (She breaks the mirror)

                   (Over dramatically) “To be thus is nothing,

But to be safely thus. Our fears in Snow white

Stick deep; and in her royalty of nature

          Reigns that which would be feared”.

Well! What are we waiting for? We leave for Klart immediately!

                  

Scene 11 – A forest on Zotril

Narrator    You may remember dear old Flash Gordon. Well he and his new friend Sergeant Soft, searched for days to find the only person who could lead him to Snow White.

Enter Flash with Sergeant Soft

As Flash enters he comes to the front of the stage to receive his recognition

Audience    Flash aa-aah, saviour of the universe!

Tom is asleep lying against his space ship.

Flash          Look Soft, we’ve been searching for this guy for ages. He could be anywhere. Who says he’s even on this planet?

Soft             We have no choice. We must find Snow White, me to ease my conscience and you, well because you have to marry her!

Flash          You’re right, of course. There’s someone over there, could that be Major Tom?

Soft             It’s him. That’s definitely the guy I told you about.

Flash          Hey you. Hey wake up.

Tom            What is it man? Why’d you wake me?

Soft             Tom. Major Tom. You remember me, I got you to rescue that princess.

Tom (obviously remembers) Oh no, I don’t remember anything about the princess who was pursued by the evil, but beautiful queen.

Flash          Oh well, sorry to have bothered you.

Soft             No it’s OK, you are safe, the Queen is not here. This is Flash Gordon, Snow White’s boyfriend.

Tom            Oh that’s alright then. I thought you said I should always deny my involvement in the plot.

Soft             Yeah yeah that was then, this is now.

Flash          Please can you tell me where you took her, what became of her?

Tom            Oh some God forsaken place. Last I saw she was pretty much destitute. A tragic sight. All lost and alone on a strange and forbidding planet.

Flash          Oh no. We must rescue her. Can you take us there?

Tom            I don’t know, it took me ages to repair my ship the last time.

Flash          I’ll pay whatever it takes.

Tom            OK, OK hop in.

All sing “Flash Gordon”

 

 

Scene 12 – The palace on Klart

Snow White sings

Snow White         I have never felt so alone. My step mother wanted me dead and I have travelled half way across the galaxy to find a bunch of aliens who think I’m a waste of space.

Enter Druffle and Ming

Druffle        Your harem, Your Meanness!

Ming           Well, it’s a start anyway. Let me see, how are we going to keep you away from my mother?

Druffle        And your wife Sir.

Ming           Don’t mention the wife! What can you do girl?

Snow White         Nothing – I’m a princess!

Ming           What? Remember Druffle – no peas in her bed.

Druffle        Can’t you do anything – song and dance maybe?

Snow White         I suppose I can do that, but I can’t cook or clean.

(Voices off stage)

Ming           Druffle they’re coming – hide her!

Druffle covers the cage with a sheet or something.

Enter Ming’s mother and Princess Slobber

Mother       Ah, my son. I’m so glad to find you. We were just looking for you to discuss plans for the banquet we’ll have to welcome your in-laws. And get you cleaned up (wipes his cheek with a handkerchief).

Princess     I am so looking forward to mummy and daddy’s visit. Shall I cook?

Ming           Oh Heavens!

Princess     If I cook, what would you like, my love?

Ming           An insurance policy! My in-laws are visiting again? You didn’t tell me.

Mother       Yes they are, so don’t mess it up this time!!! And no mother-in-law jokes.

Ming           Ahem, yes right, shall we discuss it outside? Come along.

Despite their efforts the Princess sees the covered cage.

Princess     Why? Oh Ming dear what is this? Is it some sort of gift for me?

Ming           Oh, no it isn’t.

Princess and audience  Oh yes it is!

Ming           Oh no it isn’t!

Princess and audience  Oh yes it is!

The princess pulls back the cover to find Snow White.

Princess     What is it? A pet?

Ming           It’s a…

As he speaks Snow White starts to move like a doll and sing aka Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. The Princess is fooled and delighted.

Princess     Oh Ming, how could you… have known that I would love this present.

Mother       I hope there has been no misunderstanding here.

Ming           No mother, I’m so pleased my Chu-chi face likes her present.

Princess     I’ll arrange to have it moved to my rooms immediately.

Come along Ming, lets decide where my new toy should go.

They leave, but the Mother stops to stare suspiciously at Snow White who blinks.

Mother       So, you are alive. Why are you in a cage?

Snow White         I don’t know, I was kidnapped.

Mother       Kidnapped? That saucy old devil. I know his game.

She exits as the 7 aliens enter disguised as Ming’s Merciless Militia.

Snoozy        Are we there yet?

Shy             Snow White, we’ve found you.

Snow White         What are you doing, you’ll get in trouble if they catch you.

Bossy                   We felt we had to rescue you.

Frenchy      I still don’t know why.

Giggles       Don’t we look silly in these hats.

Dull (opening the cage) The risk of being caught is growing by odds of 15 to 1 for every second we remain.

Misery        Well what are we waiting for then?

They exit

 

 

 

Scene 13 – Woods on Klart

Narrator    Right now, concentrate folks, because it is getting complicated! Snow White has been rescued from Ming, but the Queen is on her way, determined to kill her. And Flash is on his way determined to marry her. Who will get there first and surely this show is reaching a climax? But who is this?

                   Oh no, it’s a landing party from the Star ship Enterprize, I might have known!

Enter Captain Kirk, Mr Spock and Scotty.

Kirk            Can you give me any readings Spock?

Spock         My instruments tell me there is life on this planet Captain Kirk.

Kirk            What do you think Scotty?

Scotty         I don’t like it Captain, I feel danger all around.

Kirk            Put phasers on stun, boys. We have company.

Enter Frenchy and Giggles

Frenchy      What is zis my friend? More aliens?

Spock         I don’t understand Captain.

Scotty         This has never happened before.

Giggles       They seem frightened of us Frenchy.

Kirk            They are not speaking with American accents. I’m going to try to communicate. (Speaking slowly and deliberately) We are friendly. We come from Earth.

Giggles       Earth? Never heard of it.

Frenchy      Zis is Klart. No Earth here!

Spock         The words seem quite similar to ours, but the pronunciation is so strange.

Scotty         It’s life Jim, but not as we know it.

They sing “Clingons on the Starboard bow”

Kirk and Spock   Beam us up Scotty

 

 

Scene 14 – Palace on Klart

Enter Princess Slobber looking sad

Princess     I’m so confused. I don’t know what he feels – one minute he hates me, then he seems to love me – he even gave me a cute nick name, Chu-chi face, isn’t that sweet. Next I found a gift he had delivered for me, but now I can’t find it anywhere! Maybe there’s someone else? Oh I don’t know. You know the really strange thing is, that even though he is so fickle, I love him, I really do!

She sings “Hopelessly devoted to you”

 

Scene 15 – Cottage on Klart

Enter Bossy and Snow White

Bossy          Right. I’m going to work now, have you read the list?

Snow White         Yes Bossy, hoover the bedrooms, wash the dishes, without breaking them, scrub the kitchen floor…

Bossy          Now do it properly mind or you’ll be sent back to Ming and keep out of sight. The truth is we can’t afford a cleaner so we’ve agreed to keep you as long as you do the job properly!

Exit Bossy

SW             I don’t believe it. I feel more like Cinderella. This doesn’t happen in the film. They all love her in the film. Mind you she can cook in the film. That’s silly, where does a princess learn to make pies?

Enter the Queen wearing a cloak

Queen         Apples for sale! Delicious apples, juicy and ripe.

SW             Oh what I wouldn’t give for a lovely apple. That’s not Ming’s Merciless Militia come to kidnap me, it’s just a dear old fruit seller. Excuse me, I’d like an apple, please.

Queen         Of course my pretty. Here you are my dear. Taste it straight away. So juicy!

SW             (Taking a bite) Mmm. Oh, I know you – Step mother – how did you find me? Ugh…(She chokes and falls to the floor lifeless.)

Queen         Ahahaha! Goulash, come and see – she’s dead Goulash – I’m free of her at last!

Exit the Queen and enter the 7 aliens

Misery        She hasn’t done the dishes again!

Snoozy        I hope she’s made the beds.

Shy             Snow White? Oh no, what’s wrong?

Dull (examines her) She’s dead!

Misery        Typical, just as you thought she couldn’t get more useless, she goes and dies. Great, now we’re going to get the blame for her death. How are we going to explain an alien corpse on our kitchen floor?

Frenchy      I knew she was more trouble zan she is worth.

Snoozy        I admit I was quite fond of her.

Bossy          Shy was her best friend. What do you want to do with her body Shy?

Shy             I think we should put her in a glass coffin and keep watch over her day and night for the rest of our days.

Misery and Frenchy      Are you mad?

Dull            Even I think that would be a little er boring!

They sing “Always look on the bright side of life”

Bossy          You see Shy, we should really be getting on with our lives.

Snoozy        She’s gone to the great bed in the sky. She’ll be happy there.

Giggles       Watching a dead body rot, just doesn’t sound like a great barrel of laughs to me.

Suddenly Tom, Flash and Soft crash land down the aisle.

As Flash enters he comes to the front of the stage to receive his recognition

Audience    Flash aa-aah, saviour of the universe!

Tom            That was my best landing yet!

Flash (looking dazed and clutching his head)       Are we there? Is this Klart?

Soft (to Giggles)   Can you understand me? Is this the planet Klart?

Giggles       Here we go again. This is getting ridiculous. Why does every alien in the Universe suddenly land here?

Bossy          Yes this is Klart. What can we do for you?

Flash          I’m looking for a girl, so beautiful. Her name is Snow White.

Shy gasps and the aliens stand aside to reveal Snow White’s body

Flash          Snow White!

Soft             Oh no, we were too late.

Flash kneels and picks her up.

Flash          We tried to find you my love. We have travelled so far and now. ..

Snow White’s head shifts and she coughs, the piece of apple falls out of her mouth!

Bossy          Dull, I thought you said she was dead!

Dull            Well, I don’t know, I’m not a doctor!

Snow White         Flash, oh Flash it can’t be. I must be dreaming. My step mother was here. She poisoned me with an apple.

Flash          Don’t worry any more. I’ve found you and now we’ll be married. We’ll get a lift to that place called Harrington we’ve talked about. We’ll start new lives and make new friends and live happily ever after.

They sing

 

 

 

 

Scene 16 - Palace on Klart

Narrator              So here we are at the end of the show,

                             It’s time to tie up those loose ends, I know,

                             What will become of the Emperor Ming?

                             He’ll learn his own problems are less than a sting

                             His princess is ugly, but ever so wealthy,

                             He can close his eyes and imagine she’s healthy!

                             Together they’ll work on a shakey peace process

                             Between Slobber and Klart, not always the closest.

The people of Klart can now settle in peace

But our 7 aliens will still bicker and tease.

                             The Queen of Zotril needs psychiatrist’s help

                             To cope with the fact that she’s now on the shelf.

                             But first she’ll appear in the latest campaign,

                             To sell make up to women who all look the same

Queen         Because I’m worth it!

Narrator              Snow White and Flash Gordon, at once they will marry

                             They’ll sing and they’ll dance as happy as Larry

                             To Harrington they’ll go with laughter

                             To love and to live happily ever after. 

                             And here we’ll greet them, they won’t be long.

                             We’ll sing to them the Harrington Song:

 

My, my in Harrington the people work together-

Oh yeah, and we can say this pantomime’s been lots of fun to do-

The costumes, the stage, and the props

But tonight the rehearsals have stopped.

 

Harrington- Something is special about this place

Harrington- We promise you’ll find a friendly face.

Harrington- People of Harrington have no fear

Harrington- There’ll always be somebody smiling here.

Harrington- You’ll always be welcome in Harrington

 

                   Play Flash Gordon as the cast step forward for their curtain call:

Mother, father and children

Ming’s Merciless Militia

Mirror and vicar

Kirk, Spock and Scotty

King and Queen of Slobber

Soft and Tom

Mother and Druffle

Queen and Goulash

Ming and Princess Slobber

7 aliens

Flash and SW